Dear Reader,
I think it’s prudent to begin with my own experiences. So here we go.
I often got very frustrated with myself, even at a young age - that hasn’t changed really.
I learnt classical piano as a child, starting as early as four. The earliest instance I can remember was when I was eight. I started this strange ritual of sorts - when I learnt a piece to the point I believed I was ready to play through the entire thing without any mistakes, I would give it a go. Every time I made a mistake, I would bite down on my arm as hard as I could bring myself to, then, I would start again from the beginning. I would do this for hours.
I currently struggle with cutting and cigarette burning, though it’s been a while since I’ve done either. Most of the time I do it because I feel a lot of hatred toward myself and my thoughts. People may self harm for different reasons. I personally don’t do it for attention or pity, but I see a lot of judgment passed by people towards those who self harm - people who cite those reasons as justification for their condemnation. “They’re just seeking attention,” they say. *But*. even if someone were to do it ‘just for attention’ - meaning to say, a fellow human being felt so insignificant and starved for affection, that they resorted to hurting themselves in the off-chance that it could possibly get others to notice them. Would condemning them really be the right thing to do?
Photo by William Walsh, 2018
Responses I’ve given to those asking about my scars:
‘I cut myself shaving.’
‘I’m a Death Eater.’
‘Oh, it’s nothing.’
Nothing.
Responses I’ve given just once:
‘It’s something I’m struggling with, but I’ll be okay.’
— It’s hard being straight up about it.
One of the things I worry about is going back to Singapore and serving in the army again. I worked hard to gain the rank I was awarded. It’s highly possible that my medical status will be downgraded if they found out I have taken anti-depressants / am currently taking medication. Somehow, people understand and have sympathy for medication needed for any part of the body except the brain.
Even though I struggle with depression and anxiety, and my self hatred leads me to harm myself sometimes - I’m pretty normal (well sort of). I love. I laugh. I cry. I contemplate my actions and their consequences. There’s a misconception in Singapore that people who struggle with mental health are dangerous and to be avoided - “better stay far far” would be a common reaction to hearing about mental health issues. Mental health is a spectrum, with everyone situated on some point of it.
(Don’t) Call me crazy, but I envision a world where mental health is just part of health.